I heard we made out
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
