I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
