Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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