I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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