You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
