Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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