Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
