Whoa Z and x make the same sound
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
