The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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