I checked into jail on foursquare
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
