She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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