You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
