how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Two words: blizzard sex
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
