You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I did not marry a roomba.
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