cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
