Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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