Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
