I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
