You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
