South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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