If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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