I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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