Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
