i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
foreskin is a definite game changer
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
