dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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