we're blogging at a bar
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
