i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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