You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
this hospital has no fireball
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
