Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
