just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
