Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
