Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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