i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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