I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
