he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
