I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think my moral compass just broke
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
