talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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