I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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