Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
