i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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