i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
