be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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