I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
