you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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