when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
