So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
