today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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