she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
