Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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