He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
